Emotional Intelligence and Slowing Down
There was a time in my life when slowing down felt really uncomfortable. I remember going to my first yoga flow class, and it was PAINFUL to me how slow it was. I checked the clock several times throughout that hour long class, feeling tortured by the slowness of the practice. I was more practiced in intense workouts like HIIT, spin, or CrossFit - yoga felt TERRIBLE to me.
I didn’t know it at the time, but yoga was not my issue. The problem was, I was so used to dissociating from my body to escape the intensity of what I felt, that yoga as an embodiment practice that forces you to slow down felt wildly uncomfortable to me.
My inability to slow down and feel my feelings became very evident to me when I was going through my divorce, and I felt afraid of all the downtime I’d be experiencing alone. My therapist at the time gave me homework to sit at home by myself without reading or watching TV. I felt terrified by this homework - I didn’t like empty space, feeling bored, or BEING. It felt so uncomfortable.
I used to be go-going from 6am to 11pm, and I loved it. It felt good to be busy all day every day, and I felt like I had so much capacity for that kind of energy. Now, in some ways I do: I am a Manifesting Generator, and if you’re unfamiliar with Human Design, essentially it means I have a powerful motor and need to expend all my energy throughout the day in order to feel tired and restful at night.
However, I took this lifestyle to an extreme, resulting in overworking (60-80 hours a week), adrenal fatigue, and regular panic attacks in 2021.
In the aftermath of these health challenges and the resulting slowing down my body demanded, I learned a lot about the body’s capacity, attuning myself more to natural rhythms, and learning that my fear of slowing down was actually an emotional intelligence issue.
Do you ever feel like you can’t sit still, have trouble resting, or need to fill up all of your time with more doing, action, and getting things done?
Does meditation and mindfulness feel painful to you?
You might be in a similar boat - needing to work on your nervous system and your ability to hold emotional energy in your body. I believe one of the keys to this is emotional intelligence.
I recently heard this definition for emotional intelligence and it really resonated with me and my studies for the past few years: the ability to be available to any emotional state as it comes up, without losing yourself in it. You allow the emotion to move through your body and there's no attachment to it.
As humans, we often attach to our emotions in various ways, causing them to get stuck in the body. When emotional energy gets stuck in the body, it can lead to all sorts of issues including chronic pain and muscle tension, illness, and mood disorders.
Here are some studies that show a growing body of research connecting emotional energy to physical ailments:
Research published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine shows that stress-related emotions like anger and anxiety can increase the risk of conditions like hypertension and heart disease (Krantz & McCeney, 2002).
A 2012 study published in the World Journal of Gastroenterology suggests that psychological factors play a significant role in the onset and exacerbation of IBS symptoms, particularly through the dysregulation of the gut-brain axis (Mayer, 2011).
In a study published in Psychiatry Research (2007), trauma survivors showed higher rates of chronic pain and physical ailments, suggesting a link between unresolved emotional trauma and physical health.
A meta-analysis of mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) published in Health Psychology Review found that mindfulness practices helped reduce physical symptoms like pain and fatigue in patients with chronic conditions, supporting the idea that emotional processing can affect physical health (Grossman et al., 2004).
The ACEs study, conducted by the CDC and Kaiser Permanente, found a strong correlation between childhood trauma (including emotional trauma) and long-term physical health problems. This includes a higher risk of chronic diseases, such as heart disease, cancer, and diabetes, among individuals with higher ACE scores.
So how do we mitigate this phenomenon? Practice emotional intelligence - get good at feeling bad, and focus on the physiological aspect of emotions rather than the psychological aspect. In other words, don’t fixate on WHY you’re feeling what you’re feeling, just sit with the feeling in the body.
For many of us, this is a difficult skill as we haven’t really practiced it much. Notice how often we ask someone “Why?” when they tell us they feel angry, sad, upset, happy, excited, etc. (Especially our children!) We are constantly connecting the feelings in the body to an external reason. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with this, and identifying your emotion is part of emotional intelligence. The problem arises when we use narratives to dissociate, and they get in the way of actually FEELING what we’re feeling.
Here are some other ways we dissociate instead of feeling our emotions (things that get in the way of emotional intelligence):
Venting or gossiping (this is a tricky one - it actually keeps us in our heads about why we’re upset, creates more of it, but doesn’t allow us to slow down and simply FEEL.)
Substances like alcohol or drugs
Binge-watching TV
Reading excessively
Listening to content constantly
Scrolling on social media
Mindlessly eating, especially dopamine-heavy foods like sweet, salty, and fatty snacks
Hyper-fixation on sex and relationships
Constant working, doing, or productivity
Codependence (obsessing about other people’s behavior)
Building emotional intelligence and your capacity to feel is a practice that will support you in so many ways in your life. It will make you more resilient, less reactive, more present, and healthier. It will make being in relationship with you so much easier, and put people around you at ease. It will create peace in your life - both in your experience and in the circumstances you attract and create.
The first step in building emotional intelligence is getting in your body - i.e. embodiment practices. This can be an uncomfortable thing to start working on, as it may bring up difficult or painful things you’ve been avoiding. Work with a trauma-informed guide such as a coach or therapist as you navigate this if you need support.
Here are some accessible embodiment practices you can start with:
Yoga, tai chi, or qi gong.
Mindfulness practices such as meditation - try a body scan meditation.
The Letting Go technique, by David Hawkins.
Somatic experiencing (work with a guide).
Breathwork. I love working with Dr. Caite.
I believe this is one of the most important skills to build and to teach to our younger generations. Imagine a society with teachers, leaders, politicians, CEOs, neighbors, and parents who are emotionally intelligent.
This can start with you taking the time to slow down, feel your body, and sit with your feelings until they pass.
Good luck in doing this work and reach out if you need anything!
If you would like support in this practice, this is what we focus on in The Joyful Village. Additionally, you can check out my 1:1 offerings or upcoming events.
