10 Lessons From 10 Years of Continuous Sobriety
I am grateful to have celebrated 10 years of continuous sobriety on July 15, 2024. I’ve learned a lot over the past 10 years of recovery work. (And it has been WORK, believe me.)
Alcohol wasn’t my problem… it was the solution to all my problems. Once I removed it, I needed new solutions. My problems were things like insecurity, dishonesty, disconnection from myself, a lack of boundaries, self-abandonment, the inability to sit with pain, emotional dysregulation, and more.
My program of recovery has helped me learn how to handle life on life’s terms. It helped me do the work so I can now intuitively handle situations which used to baffle me. What worked for me was using a 12-step program to recover, and it is something I continue to use as a structure to support my emotional sobriety and spiritual growth. One of the things I appreciate about the framework of 12-step recovery is the work is never done. You do not arrive somewhere someday, you are always in recovery and always peeling back the next layer of your sobriety.
The key lessons I’ve learned over the last 10 years are below - I believe they are relevant for anyone, not just addicts or alcoholics. The design for living I’ve received in my recovery work is solid.
A note for people who are not aware of how we do things in the world of recovery: Even though I have been sober for 10 years, I still identify as an alcoholic. This is an important aspect of recovery - no matter how many years we have under our belts, we don’t get anywhere. I’m just as much of an alcoholic as someone with 1 day of sobriety, because alcoholism isn’t about alcohol - it’s about how my mind operates. THINKING is my problem, and a program of recovery is about altering your thinking and thus your reality. This practice creates a culture of humility and a beginner’s mindset which allows us to continuously learn, grow, and not take ourselves too seriously.
Here are the top 10 lessons that are hard-earned:
Acceptance
Human beings are narrative creatures - we create stories about our experiences and those stories impact our reality. Unfortunately, many of the narratives we use create a resistance to what IS. Words and phrases like should, could, not enough, too much, good/bad, right/wrong - they all create a resistance to what is happening or who we are. By practicing acceptance of everything as it is, life is a lot easier. There is a phrase in my recovery program that goes like this: “We ceased fighting anyone or anything.” It wasn’t until I was in recovery that I noticed how much I resisted what was. It was a relief to stop fighting so hard against reality, myself, and others.
Surrender to a Higher Power
There is a lot of peace that comes from surrendering to a power greater than myself. In the past, I tried to manage and control what happened in my life. What that left me with was a lot of anxiety, angst, and discontentedness. Now, I live my life with the belief that the universe has my back - that there is a power greater than me (I call it God, Life, Self, Spirit, The Universe) that I can trust. I believe it is a benevolent force, and it is guiding me and teaching me lessons. This spiritual framework allows me to accept things as they are, and trust that something is watching out for me. If there’s ever a circumstance or situation that is hard for me, I believe “more will be revealed.” I trust my Higher Power to take care of me, take care of my loved ones, and take care of humanity and the planet. I trust that if I don’t think something is “good” or I don’t like an outcome or circumstance, then I don’t see the whole picture. This is a very freeing perspective that allows me to cultivate serenity.
Rigorous honesty
Before I got sober, I was very dishonest. Not just in telling bigger lies (which I did), but also in how I showed up in life. I was inauthentic - not true to myself. I would pretend to like things I didn’t like in order to fit in or be considered cool. I was a chameleon - turning myself into whatever I thought people wanted me to be. This could be things like pretending I knew more about politics than I did in order to appear smart and informed, saying I liked music or a movie I didn’t like in order to be cool, or gossiping about other people behind their back. I didn’t even realize I lived in this state of constant anxiety about being found out. (What if they ask me questions about this politician I’m pretending to know about and find out I’m a fraud?) I saw in recovery that the problem with this kind of dishonesty was that I was fundamentally saying “I am not lovable as I am, I have to pretend to be something I am not to be loved.” This impacted my self-esteem in big ways. By practicing rigorous honesty, I created more confidence. I felt more at home in myself, I didn’t worry as much about what people thought of me. This has been the cornerstone of my sobriety.
Boundaries
This is my favorite definition of boundaries: “the distance from which I can love you and me simultaneously.” (Prentis Hemphill) I learned in recovery that I often self-abandoned in order to please others, and took way too much responsibility for other people’s feelings. By practicing boundaries, I’ve been able to live interdependently with loved ones rather than codependently. I have been able to remove myself from situations, organizations, or people who do not serve me. I have learned how to listen to myself and what I believe and feel instead of taking on other people’s beliefs and realities as my own. This is a constant practice that sometimes comes with a lot of guilt when my choices to protect myself make others upset (boundary guilt is real!) However, I know enough now to see that boundaries are an act of self-love and also a way to teach other people how to love me well.
Self-care
This one goes hand in hand with boundaries. Often self-care isn’t what modern culture touts it as: it’s not about getting pedicures and chocolate. (Although, sometimes it is!) Rather, it is about caring for myself as I would care for a child. This looks like eating healthy and nourishing food, getting quality sleep, exercising, practicing mindfulness, listening to what my body needs and honoring it, avoiding certain types of content that stresses me out or upsets me, working towards my dreams and goals, taking care of my emotions…. the list can go on and on, but I like to think there is a small child inside of me who I need to care for - somehow it makes it easier to think of a child who is separate from me.
Self-Regulation
One of the biggest lessons in the last two years of my recovery has been self-regulation and stress resilience. I have learned a lot about the nervous system after a period of time when I was overworking myself and had so much stress in my life that I was having multiple panic attacks within a few days. I had to learn about the physiology of my body (polyvagal theory is super helpful!) and learn what my body needs to increase my window of stress tolerance. I also had to learn to regulate my emotions by sitting with them instead of trying to suppress them, repress them, or express them. If I’m upset, I try to bring myself down from a 10 to a 6 or 7 before using anything external like food, a conversation with someone, changing circumstances, etc. This has been a difficult but fruitful practice, and one I think everyone needs.
Communication
Creating an intimate relationship with my husband as a sober person has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. He and I have cultivated a space of safety, commitment, and growth, allowing us to heal old wounds from younger versions of ourselves, and learn together how to communicate in ways that allow for deeper connection. I’ve learned how my tone and my communication styles when I feel afraid or upset are not conducive to building relationships - rather they are something that can tear them down. I’ve learned to wait until I am in a calm and resourced state to have difficult conversations, to share from my own experience, and make specific requests for my needs. I’ve learned to give up being right, and I’ve learned to be curious and get to know the best ways to communicate things to people based on their specific styles, past, and needs.
Consistency
I never knew myself as someone who was disciplined or committed, and recovery has been something that has allowed me to show myself that I can be consistent and follow through. For 10 years I have continued to practice working the 12 steps, I have attended meetings, shown up as a sponsor for other women, done my work, and when I start slacking or “resting on my laurels” I have shifted gears and recommitted. I think what has helped me the most with this is the principle of “progress not perfection.” When I get stuck in perfectionism or black and white thinking, I act in this all or nothing way that isn’t productive. By allowing for imperfection in how I work my program of recovery, I have maintained consistency over time that has built my self-trust. I apply this to other areas of life like nutrition, exercise, business, and relationship building.
Accountability
Part of the 12 steps is taking an inventory of what we resent, fear, and how we’ve harmed others. We make amends for the ways we failed or allowed our character defects to impact other people. We clean up or own side of the street, regardless of what the other person is doing. This practice has allowed me to take responsibility for my actions, deal with the impact of my actions on others, regardless of my intention (I rarely intend to hurt someone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt them), and I clean things up with people. This is another practice that has contributed to my self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-trust. I trust myself to repair relationships, and I believe I am a good person doing my best.
Tolerance for pain
One of the biggest drivers of my addictions has been an intolerance to pain or discomfort. I don’t like to feel big things, so I numb them with substances, relationships, or habits. By facing my pain and learning how to sit with it and process it, I have helped myself let go of a lot of addictive tendencies. Mindfulness has been a really important piece of this puzzle - sitting with what is instead of labeling it as painful or bad has been a practice that I continue to work on.
I am still learning, still practicing, and still growing. I am grateful for my alcoholism because it gave me the opportunity to learn these important lessons and skills, and share them with others.
If ever you feel like you are dealing with addiction or struggling with any of the above concepts, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I am always here to support.
