How to Cultivate Confidence: For You and Your Children
Many of the women I work with list confidence as something they'd like to feel in their day-to-day life. It seems like no matter how successful, funny, kind, beautiful, and accomplished these women are, they are still lacking confidence. I’ve also heard many moms voice a desire to raise confident children.
So I’ve been reflecting on how much I’ve personally shifted over the past 10 years, moving from a girl in my 20s who felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, constantly questioned what I said and did in social interactions, and worried a lot about what others thought of me to a woman in my 30s who feels grounded, at-ease, and very happy with who I am. I very rarely dwell on social interactions anymore, and I really believe that I have something to offer and provide in any situation I go into.
So how did I get here?
I definitely did not feel confident as a child, teen, or woman in my 20s. Mostly I felt very insecure, like I didn't belong, like something was wrong with me, and like I was unattractive.
I remember leaving social situations or work interactions and ruminating on how I acted or what I said for days. I felt a lot of embarrassment and worry over how people perceived me. I was very apologetic, and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to control what people thought of me. I didn’t take many risks - I mostly was living a life that I thought I should live:
I had a steady, well-paying job that had benefits. I was good at it and did well, but I didn’t love it and I felt like I was selling myself out.
I owned a 4-bedroom, 3-bathroom house in the suburbs that didn’t feel like me.
I was in a marriage with someone who didn’t really get me, honor me, or hold my heart well.
I was in personal and professional relationships where I didn’t believe my feelings mattered. I people-pleased to the point of withering away any of my own sense of self.
I felt trapped in my own life - a life I had created from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem. Combine that with a perpetual feeling of being misunderstood, and so much of my mental energy was spent on trying to get others to understand me and know the real me, and feeling I was always failing. I felt very alone.
I didn't like my body or how I looked, I felt like I was never living up to my potential, and I just felt like there must be more to life than what I had going on.
Reflecting on this younger version of myself is an interesting exercise, as I barely recognize her. I really don't experience much of that anymore. Sure, I'm human and I will occasionally worry about what I say or do and how it comes across to other people. Occasionally I have imposter syndrome. But those moments are fleeting, and I now have tools to let those things go pretty quickly rather than dwell on them or let them dominate my experience of myself or life.
What Cultivates Confidence?
I believe confidence isn’t something that happens permanently - it is something you tend to and it grows. Here are 4 ways I’ve been tending to my confidence for the last 10 years:
I follow a principle of "rigorous honesty." When I got sober, I discovered and completely became obsessed with the concept of "rigorous honesty." I realized how much of my life was built by dishonesty and outright lying before. From a young age, I lied in big and overt ways to avoid being in trouble - whether that was as a child and getting into trouble with a parent, or as an adult, getting into trouble with an authority figure. I also realized that I told white lies or had small moments of dishonesty in how I pretended to be to try to fit in. I was a chameleon - always scanning my environment and adapting myself to be what I thought other people wanted me to be. Small things like lying about what type of music I liked, pretending I knew more about a "cool" band than I actually did, pretending not to like certain chick flicks because I was embarrassed about my taste and thought it wasn't cool, or acting more confident than I actually felt. I realized that lying about those small things and pretending that I was something I’m not was essentially saying “I’m not lovable the way I am” — my self-esteem was directly proportional to my honesty. So now I am honest and tell the truth - even if it makes me look bad or “gets me in trouble” or upsets someone. It’s not worth the insecurity, anxiety, and fear to be dishonest.
I learned how to deal powerfully with failure. A combination of programs and books taught me that failing to produce a result is distinct from the narrative “I’m a failure.” Failing didn’t actually mean anything about me, other than what I made it mean. I started altering the narrative - instead of “I’m a failure. I’m a loser. I suck at things. I shouldn’t try,” I started saying “I’m brave. I can do this. I am good at things.” This freed me up a little bit to take more risks. I learned from many books and articles that failure is actually where people learn the most - when we struggle with something, the experience creates more brain patterns and neural connections than when something comes easily to us. So I reframed failure from something bad that I needed to avoid because of what it meant about me, to something that I needed to actively cause in my life - how can I fail more, and faster? What is worth failing at and getting back into the ring again with more wisdom? Our brains try to protect us from harm, and growing up we experienced failure as social harm. So I needed to teach my brain and my body that it was safe to fail. I surrounded myself with people who supported and encouraged me to step out and fail. And then I practiced failing! I tried more new things, I signed up for stuff I was afraid of. Every time I failed, it got easier. Another piece that has been very important for me here is my trust in God. I trust that I just need to do the footwork to achieve my dreams, and then I surrender the outcome to a Higher Power. I don’t know what’s best for me - God does. I trust the outcomes that come from the Universe.
I practiced being authentic and staying true to myself, and have worked on my people-pleasing tendencies. Self-abandonment is probably one of the worst things you can do for your self-esteem. I didn’t even realize this was something I was doing, until I learned about people-pleasing and boundaries. I learned that every time I chose to make myself uncomfortable to avoid someone else feeling uncomfortable, I was abandoning myself and breaking trust with myself. I was essentially saying that other people mattered more than I did. So, I made my relationship with myself and rebuilding trust my priority. I said no to people. I spoke my truth more, even when it was scary and upset people. I started validating my own feelings and experiences, acting as if my feelings mattered. I told people when they upset me. I asked for things in relationships, and allowed people to contribute to me. I kept standing for “I matter” with my thoughts, words, and actions. This is also a practice, and it’s still hard for me sometimes. Every time I speak up for myself in the face of fear, I reinforce this new version of myself. It takes courage, but if I can do it - you can do it.
I practice keeping my promises to myself and others and honoring my word. This creates self-trust that I can do what I set my mind to, and that I can trust myself that I will follow through. Most of us don’t trust ourselves to follow through, and that’s where our lack of confidence comes from. We don’t believe we will act consistent with our values, promises, and commitments. This can be something as small as waking up early, or something bigger like training for a marathon. Do I keep my word to myself and other people always? No! There are many times I break my word. But when I do, I practice acknowledging it and taking responsibility for any impact from me not keeping promises. This shows myself and others (in action) that my word means something.
None of these principles are easy, but they are pretty simple. I promise they are worth practicing as they will build your self-esteem and slowly grow your confidence in yourself. If you need support, I’m here for you.
Creating An Environment For Children to Build Confidence
So now I’d like to talk about how we can apply these principles to parenting, and create an environment for our children that enables them to cultivate their own sense of confidence.
Here are my two cents, given my personal experience, 10 years of studying the human experience, and what I've learned in working with moms and being with kids.
I believe Children are naturally confident - they are self-expressed, they sing and dance wildly, they say what they mean. Slowly, that confidence gets eroded by us and our culture. We tell them what to do or not do, we try to protect them from the pain of failure or ridicule. We react when they come to us with their truth, and show them it’s not safe to be themselves.
Here are some ways you can create an environment for your children to maintain, build, and practice their natural confidence:
Teach children that the most important thing is for them to be true to themselves. It is more important than fitting in, being liked, or being considered "good" - even by you or other caregivers. Instead of telling them how to live their life, keep turning them inward to follow their own intuition and inner guidance. Show them that your love is unconditional - remain neutral and avoid shaming when they do something that upsets you. Children's brains are helping them adapt to survive - and your love is required for their survival, so their brains work overtime in trying to fit into whatever mold they perceive you want them to fit into. Do your own inner work so you can uncover the ways that you want to limit them, and allow them space to be whoever they are - even in their darkest, most difficult moments. Validate them - their emotions, their experience, their heart. Show them that they matter, that their experience matters, and they can trust themselves.
Encourage children to try things and fail, and be there for them to encourage them through the failure. Do your own work so that you can be with their fear, disappointment, grief, and pain as they fail - it can be really uncomfortable to watch a child go through those spaces. Our instinct is to protect them from pain because we love them and we don't want them to feel those things. However, it is much better to show them that they are loved and supported in their pain, and show them they have the strength to withstand the pain of failure so that when they go out into the world, they have the confidence to take bold action, try new things, and fail. As I said above, we learn from our failures and our struggles more than we learn from what we are good at or what comes easily to us. Giving children the opportunity to fail and feel loved and supported in their failure will help them gain experience, trust themselves, and feel confident. Encourage their failure and struggle like this dad. (Founder of Kahn Academy.)
Create a safe environment for children to speak the truth. How you react when a child tells you the truth shows them how safe it is to do so. If they tell you a difficult truth, practice receiving it without judgement or emotional charge. If you're unable to do that, (we're all human and it's inevitable that we are going to react emotionally!) clean it up as quickly as possible. Acknowledge and thank them whenever they tell you the truth. Show them in words and actions how important honesty is. Demonstrate truth-telling - share your own truth with them. Do your inner work so that you’re living as your authentic self and model boundaries so they don’t learn from you how to self-abandon and people-please.
Help them practice making and keeping small promises to themselves. Model integrity by showing them how you follow through with your word.
The biggest gift you can give your children is being confident YOURSELF and modeling that energy and behavior. If you are lacking confidence, go to work on it. I’m here to support you if you need.
(Here’s somewhat of a side note: I’ve spoken mostly about the behavioral, emotional, and mental aspects of confidence. There is also a physical component: testosterone. Typically, men have more testosterone, and thus have more confidence. As a woman, ensuring that your hormones are balanced and you aren’t low in testosterone can influence your confidence as well.)
We need more confident women and children in the world - we need strong voices and leaders. This is an important thing to work on, for yourself and for future generations.
One of the MOST important aspects of confidence: it allows for you to connect fully with other human beings. When you feel you need to hide who you are, you’re not allowing yourself to be fully seen, known, and loved as your authentic self. Intimacy is impossible from there. By working on your confidence, you enable yourself to let other people in, and experience true love - you feel more connected with people.
I hope these principles and practices gave you some access if confidence is something you struggle with. I’d love to hear from you if you have any questions or comments - just send me an email.
